Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Day Karma Smacked Me in the Face (or the nostrils)

I really wanted to post this blog this morning, but I thought I might save you all from embarrassing yourselves as you would most likely read this and laugh at me so hard that your coffee would come squirting out your nostrils, thus causing you to have to change your clothes again before leaving for work. I chose this evening instead so that if you are like me, you are already in your comfy leggings and in for the really doesn't matter if you squirt liquid out of you nose when you are home now does it're welcome.

Ok, so before I tell you the funny story of how Karma and I danced last night, I need to take you back in time to where I first began my relationship with Karma.

If you live with an asshole that beats on you, and you know that at times you cannot physically win an altercation, you may choose to hold back your retaliation until the other person is weak or when they are sleeping! On nights where my hatred for my ex would get the best of me, I would often lay in wait until he was sleeping, and then fart and pull the covers over his head. He was completely oblivious of course and so really the revenge was celebrated alone, but I took such joy and excitement knowing that that asshole was breathing in shit particles and he had NO CLUE!!! In a way it was like my own chemical warfare. I always knew that my ornery behavior would some day catch up to me...I mean, forcing someone to breathe in your farts is kind of horrible...then again, so is beating on your girlfriend, I figured it was a way of balancing out the universe.

Present day:

I have always been a dreamer, I dream from the time I close my eyes until I open them in the mornings. Most of the time I enjoy them, and those that I don't care for are usually given to me to solve a life problem.  I am not sure about how other peoples dreams are, but my dreams are incredibly vivid and detailed, I can feel, touch, taste and smell in my dreams.

 Last night/this morning I am dreaming that I was out with a few mommy friends of mine and all of their offspring. At one point, one of children came running by me and I pointed out that I thought their kid smelled like a bucket of butt and needed their hiney changed. I also mentioned that I thought their poopy kid needed to lay off the broccoli because their diaper had a smell that I referred  to as the "rotten broccoli poops"..yeah, I have a tendency to be a jerk in my dreams sometimes ( I wonder why that is, I should do some soul searching for the answer to that)......anywaaaaaay

As the dream went on, I found myself at the zoo with the mom group and their kiddos.  I couldn't get the awful smell out of my nostrils and now I felt like I could actually taste it too, and I kept thinking to myself...did I forget to brush my teeth before this zoo outing, or maybe one of the animals just took a dump, either way it was potent to say the least.

So, I wake up to Casey throwing a  fit about the bathtub not draining, and I am yelling back at him that it isn't my fault because I don't lose hair anymore, not to mention I haven't bathed in a couple of days (now, before you judge.....I don't leave my house enough to worry about offending anyone with my odor).  We now have Casey yelling, I am yelling back, the kids are yelling at one another to get up and ready, and of course you have the morning fights over who's turn it is to use the throne.

I am still somewhat sleeping when I feel a familiar squirm under my covers. LulaBelle is stretching under my blanket. Lu and I have a routine, the alarm goes off, I wake up kids, Casey gets ready for work, the kids get ready for school, and I embrace Lu in a full on cuddle fest until I am fully awake and ready to begin my day. Lu roots around until I lift up the blanket, then she spins around and around until she finds a comfortable opportunity, which is usually her and I spooning with her head laying on Casey's pillow and completely covered over with my blanket.
Well, this morning was a little out of the ordinary routine as Casey and I were bickering, so when Lu stretched her overly exaggerated stretch reminding me that she needed her cuddle time, I rolled back over and grabbed her to cuddle....then it happened.....

I closed my eyes for a moment as I am still allowing my mind and body to wake fully for the day, and then I hear it.....the very distinct sound of air as it is escaping from a rear end.....and it was right next to my FACE!!! As if realizing that my dog was backwards and she had just farted in my face wasn't enough of a rude awakening, I also immediately recognized the smell....and....the...taste....of broccoli!!

My dog had been farting while I was dreaming and I was breathing in (and apparently eating) her poop particles and subconsciously blaming it on my friends kids in my dream.

I usually try and spend some time analyzing what my dreams represent, are there any lessons to be learned from it, any wisdom that can be taken from the dream? Well, this morning I feel like Karma figured it was a perfect time for a little payback for all the times I forced my ex to breathe in my toxic fart fumes without his knowledge or consent (not that anyone would consent to breathing in a fart), and the wisdom or the lesson I took away from this experience is...

1) Revenge is not always necessary (even if it is funny as hell at the time)
2) Karma doesn't have a time limit
3) I should have more tact when I am telling my friend that their kid crapped their pants in my dreams
4) I should make a conscious effort to not lose my temper in the mornings just because Casey does
5) I should sleep with my mouth closed &
6) ALWAYS  check to see what end of LulaBelle I am cuddling with!!

So there you have it.....I haven't blogged in days and when I finally do, the whole blog is about farting....I really have no life or life experiences to talk about right now...which I guess could be a good thing. I have nothing to whine about, nothing is bothering me too terribly bad, and life is smooth sailing at the fart blogs it is!!

Hopefully I will have a more interesting blog post next time....

Peace and blessings to you all,

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