Friday, January 29, 2016

Depression, Loneliness and Stress...OH NO!!

I feel like the people don't talk enough about these taboo subjects, and when they do, it's in cryptic Vaguebook posts. Is it because it makes you feel uncomfortable to hear about others struggling or is it because you can relate and don't want to hear the common issues that plague your sleep too?

I have always struggled with depression, self loathing, and the dark feeling of being lonely. I remember as a kid feeling worthless and as though no one really liked me and yes, even thoughts of suicide. My first experience with a counselor was in grade school (I think it was 4th grade but I am not sure), and she was a "big-fat-liar-liar-pants-on-fire-tattle tale-snitch-bitch. She would talk to me, ask me questions, making me comfortable and safe with her,  have me draw pictures and she would promise me time and time again that everything that her and I talked about would stay between us. I believed her, I trusted her, I felt safe with her...and then.....several years later when I was helping my mother pack up our house to move to Oregon I came across some drawings. Those were MY drawings, the ones I had done years ago with the school counselor, how did my mother end up with them if this lady had PROMISED me that everything we had done and talked about was kept between us? I remember at that exact moment, the feeling of betrayal, the loss of trust in people, and  losing that feeling of safety. I have never truly felt safe since then.
(I know that she was probably required to tell my mother the things we had discussed)

Ever since I was young, kindergarten age, I felt like I had to try and be perfect, and in doing so, I only let myself down over and over again. If I couldn't be perfect, then maybe my surroundings could be,  and this is when I discovered that organization is next to godliness and that everything in existence has its place. My obsession with having cleanliness and organization was something that I took pride in, my closet was color coordinated, my drawers where organized, my room was vacuumed a couple times a day, everything had its own place and my clean and organized environment helped my brain not stress out.

 At the age of 17 I moved away from home to another state and I began dating my first real boyfriend  and meth came into the picture. Meth had a magical effect on me, it allowed me to forget that I was unhappy, it gave me the energy to get my life (or the area around me) organized and more importantly, I was able to find focus and my attention could center , allowing me to complete tasks. Whoa!!!

When I was with my ex, he made me feel "safe"...from other people, he protected me from other men, and he vowed to beat an ass that tried to do me any wrong. He wasn't afraid to be mean to the person trying to take advantage of me, or threaten me. I was safe from others, but I wasn't safe from him. I just wanted someone to make me feel safe and someone to trust, someone who would love me for who I was. I lived with my ex in a bedroom at his mothers house, and even though the room was the size of a walk in closet, it was impossible to keep it clean and organized with how much of a slob my boyfriend was. Messy makes me crazy and sad.

Over the next several years I felt my depression increase and I couldn't understand why the house couldn't be cleaned up while I was at work, instead I would come home to house filled with people playing video games and lounging around leaving their trash everywhere. What was the point in cleaning in when I would just have to do this all over again and I would have just gotten home from work exhausted. I started to give up on what made me happy and gave in to the chaos that my life had become. How hard is it to put things away, everything has its place, perhaps looking back now, I didn't have a place.

On top of depression I was lonely, and being with an abuser only increased this feeling. The isolation I was in was created to convince me that no one else wanted to be in my life and to make me feel like John was always there for me, I didn't have to feel like I was alone, he would always be there even if everyone else left me. Having feelings of loneliness and abandonment are dangerous when you out there looking for love and acceptance because abusers are predators and they seek out those who are willing to love anyone who will love them. I eventually became very calloused to people, I didn't need them and I certainly wasn't about to get close to people because I knew that it wouldn't be long before John would either scare them off or they would just get sick and tired of seeing my relationship and the ups and downs and the back and forth of it. I really couldn't blame them, but I found it easier to just not let myself get invested in anything close to my heart.
(any of you reading this that were around during that time can vouch I am sure)

The only people I have ever felt like would never turn on me or come to hate me, and just accept me for exactly who I am, was my brother and my Pop, and I love that about them. Those two humans are the only ones in my entire life who make me feel safe.

I lose friends on a regular basis, and usually over stupid things like lack of communication, other people talking shit about me, or just the universe leading them in another direction. I used to get soooo upset over this, I took it so personal, I would cry and cry, fall into a deep dark hole and I would constantly play the ending events in my head over and over again trying to see where I went wrong. There were even friend break ups where I was told that I was a horrible selfish person that should kill themselves and things of that nature. Then one night it happened.....I quit....I literally quit friendship expectations. I had an epiphany and self discovery lesson...I believe I am meant to be a match-maker. Not a match maker for relationships, but just to match human to human for their needs. The universe uses me to introduce this human to that one and then after a while the two matched humans go about their lives and leave my friendship train to make room for the next match. I used to feel jealousy, but now I feel peace and understanding about it.
I realized that people will come and go, they will jump on my friend train and then it;s their turn, they will jump off of it to make room for someone else that is supposed to bring a lesson into my life.  Every single person that comes into my life is meant to show/teach me something. I have no expectations of people staying in my life forever (if they do that's definitely a bonus, but it they don't its a great life lesson).

I think when someone doesn't feel safe, unable to trust people, and lonely, it begins to wear on them, It is a heavy burden to bear and it weighs you down in life, but when you have made those beautiful connections with someone or a couple of people its hard not to let down your guards and invest in them. But what happens when they leave? I am struggling with this right now.
I have so much happening in my life and so much that I need to talk about, to let out, and those that I have built this bond with are.....gone, busy, isolated, distracted. I don't feel like I have anyone, I feel alone and sad. There are days that I don't come out of my room. There are days that I just sit on my bed and cry, there are days that I miss the human interaction and I get angry, and then I get angry at myself for being so selfish, they have a right to go on and live their own lives, their's doesn't revolve around me.

My husband is so angry and resentful that we don't barely talk, and when we do it's usually him venting about everything that he hates about his life and how he is the only one that works and lets not get him started on politics. So, yeah...I don't really bring up what is bothering me because he doesn't understand and he thinks I should just get over it.

I feel like I am failing at this life (and I really didn't want to have to come back again to learn more lessons in the next one) and I can't climb my way out of it.  I am exhausted trying to make peace between my middle son and the rest of the kids. It is a daily battle and I feel like I am back living with my ex, always fighting to get things done.
I am one of those terrible, horrible, mean moms that gives my children chores so that one day when they move out and into their own place they'll know how to take care of themselves. Each one of the boys have a room as their chore. Hunter cleans the living room, sweeping, straightening, cleaning out from under the couch, cleaning off get where I am going, and he also does laundry and one day a week cleans his room. Caleb is supposed to wash dishes, clean off the counters, wipe everything down, and sweep the floor. He is also supposed to clean up dog poop in the garage. Lucas cleans the hallway and the bathroom, and one day a week cleans his room, and he is learning to do his laundry. Sounds easy enough right? I have even made them detailed lists of how to do it to my standards.

What I get on a daily basis is this....Hunter sweeps everything into a pile, and cleans that, forgets about the couch, and the surfaces, and he piles clean and dirty laundry together in baskets in the living room...which makes my blood boil...why does my family think that laundry belongs in the living room? I have bought laundry baskets for each kid...helloooooo?

Then I get to the kitchen, and when I go to pick a dish out of the dish drain, I get gross nasty, unclean dishes...which, again, my blood boils again. I put them back in the sink and explain that he needs to wash them better and learn how to properly wash dishes, and then the fight is on. He is stomping around, throwing a fit, and my kitchen stays looking like crap.

Lucas is sneaky and he will grab the broom looking as though he is going to do something, and then I will listen and hear the distinct sound of an Xbox being played...oh hell then I am the bad parent for taking away the system and then he ends up pouting in his room, and falling asleep, so the hallway and the bathroom are still dirty.
I just stay in my room so that I don't have to face the reality that my kids just don't get how crazy it makes my brain. I buy organizational tools to help out...NOPE. I just don't get it, and I can't deal with it, and the stubborn part of me refuses to go out and do their chore when they won't do it, so it really is a catch 22.

I am not even going to go into detail about the fights other than each has their role in them. Hunter is the peacekeeper and he tries to help Caleb NOT get into trouble by trying to tell him how to do things that way I would want, only, this has an adverse reaction, and Caleb takes it as Hunter telling him what to do and being the boss so he lashes out at Hunter and a fight then ensues. Caleb is constantly picking fights with everyone in the house and then when there is a consequence he is a victim, it wasn't his fault, he didn't do it, it was so and so's fault, and he will yell this from his room for hours and hours on end. He is starting to become aggressive and has been physical a couple of times. \
 Now we have Lucas, he has made it his life's mission to try and create a unified hatred towards Caleb. He insists in telling mom and dad everything that Caleb has or hasn't done whether it directly involves him or not.
Kameo has taken up the bad habits of the brothers and rolls her eyes at me, tries to walk away when I talking to her, screams and yells at her brothers when she doesn't get her way, and threatening to beat them up. No matter how on top of all of this I believe I am , I am reminded that I have no control. I was told by my friends 5 year old that I have a mean or angry family ( I cannot remember which word she used, I was so taken aback by her statement) and it made me shrink into a hole. I have failed as a parent, I have tried to teach my children to take responsibility for their actions, to be polite, explain to them that they will be brothers for life and they should learn to love each other, and to use words instead of becoming physical. I have begged and pleaded to please go a day without fighting for my sanity...I think I have lost my mind.

I am failing at school, I am going to drop out due to having run out of funding to finish the remaining classes of my bachelors degree. I think I am at peace with this because I am failing at a future goal. I only went back to school because I wanted my Bachelors so that I could go back and work with the kids in the jail as a counselor. I don't want to do that anymore. I changed my career goal to working with domestic abuse victims but I can't even save my own friend from a dangerous relationship she's in right now, so I feel like I am failing as a friend, and she helped me write my book....I feel like I am failing as an author as well, having only sold a couple of books since its republication. Oh man, so much failing...I am winning at whining though!! A+++ for that!!

I am only publicly whining so that I can kind of explain how things can start to snowball so quickly and get away from you and out of your control and this leads to feelings of failure and depression and then when you feel like you have no one to talk to it creates a loneliness.

So, let me ask you this...did this make you uncomfortable, did it make you roll your eyes because I am just feeling sorry for myself, did it make you want to stop reading it because it just didn't feel like it was worth reading about someone else's problems that look so easily fixable?
This is what prevents people from speaking out about their struggles, this is what people feel like what other people one wants to hear whats bothering me, no one wants to hear me whine, they'll think I am being ridiculous, they'll just come up with some "easy" solution, one that you have already thought of a million and a half times but they don't fully understand the whole picture. When they feel like they have no one to talk anymore they begin to isolate themselves.  Even people who are so wrapped up in dealing with things falling apart and are being whiny, they often think about others more and not troubling them with their problems, keeping everything in until they just can't take it anymore.


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