Thursday, December 10, 2015

Battle of the Throne

 I have been with my husband for a while now, and any of you who have known him any amount of time know just the kind of morning person he is......HE ISN'T!!!!  He has a hatred towards the morning hours unlike anything I have witnessed. I am a morning person for the most part. I am a morning and night person, afternoons I could do without, or nap through, either way. I appreciate the morning feel, the sun warming up the earth, the peace and tranquility ( that other people must get to experience), he doesn't share the same fondness as I do.
Mornings in the Shepherd household are chaotic to say the least. Since I have been with my wonderful man for so long, I know how mornings work for him. He is a routine man, including his morning rituals of the three S's in the mornings, $*&^, shower, and shave, and god help anyone who disrupts his mojo that early.  Most mornings I try and stay in my bed and out of the storm as often as possible. I usually wait until I hear the sound of the Pathfinder's  broken muffler grow quieter and quieter as the King of the throne makes his way to work before I make my way to the bathroom. By the time The Husband leaves for work, my kidney's are screaming at me that I have waited entirely too long to relieve myself. Why do I wait this long, why do I put my body through such agonizing torment you ask? Well, The Husband is a tyrant of a king when anyone disrupts his time on the throne. I choose my battles and I choose most mornings to lay in my bed, checking my Facebook, waiting for everyone to leave so that I can start to enjoy my daily meditating once the house is quiet. Here is why I lay in wait....Because when I intervene it ends up like this.....

 Mornings conversations (sometimes screaming matches) consist of this....

The Husband :" Why is there always someone in the bathroom?"

Me:" (in my quiet and calm waking voice).... Because there are six of us and only one bathroom."

The Husband:" Well I need the bathroom and I am always having to fight for it."

Me:" (in my irritated, learn to share voice)..Sorry to inform you of this but, you don't own the toilet."

The Husband:" I am the one that works and pays the house payment, so I do own the toilet."

Me:"(in my, I am awake now, queen mentality "off with his head")....Well then you start cleaning it!"

The Husband: " I work so I don't have to clean it!"

Me:"( yelling authoritatively to make sure my point is heard and  that I have the final word)....Well I am a pretty sure I am NOT ONE OF THE ONES THAT MISSES WHEN I PEE!!!"

Yeah, it escalates -pretty quickly!!

(That usually quiets things down....he can't argue with The Queens logic when it comes to her using the throne now can he?)

This is a typical Shepherd morning, fighting over toilet time.......We need another bathroom, and when I move into another house someday there WILL be 2 bathrooms...I will not settle for less!

A couple of months back we discovered a leak in our bathroom. To remedy this problem we had to temporarily shut off the water and we had to replace the old toilet. We have the old toilet sitting out in the back yard until we can haul it off. The boys of course have already established a designated "pee" spot seeing as how we have lived here for so long. Now us girls, we usually wait it out...or at least I do. The Husband is fixing the toilet and working his hiney off when Kameo tells him she has to go potty. He tries to tell her that it will only be a little bit longer and then she can go

A few minutes later she comes back to the bathroom door and checks on dad to see how his work is coming along. I tell her that she can go potty now if she wants, she informs me that she doesn't have to go anymore, she already went..."Where did you go potty at?".........She looks at me like I am dimwitted ....( in a duh mom tone) "I went potty on the toilet".....Oh my are funny crazy sometimes.

Why is it that children pick that moment when you finally get a chance to break away and use the potty to ask you this or tattle about that? Why couldn't they have done this 2 freaking minutes ago when I was out in their area instead of as soon as I get the bathroom door closed....and turn that little's like they have bionic hearing for that little lock to engage...and then they ATTACK...BAM, all of a sudden I have 4 children asking, screaming, crying, wanting and tattling before I even get the chance to drop my drawers,,,UGH,,,,seriously?
Perfect example....I am waiting for my turn on the throne, finally get in there after three others before me have shared their stench, making it hazardous enough that I felt I truly needed a gas mask for my own safety. I no sooner sit down (already irritated about having to sit on a warm toilet seat, when Bubby chooses that exact moment to ask me if I would give him back his Ipod. ARE. YOU. FREAKING.KIDDING.ME???!!!!!

Me: " Bubby, can you please leave me alone for a few minutes?"
Bubby:" Yeah, but can I have my IPod back yet?"
Me:: Bubby, we will talk about this when I get out, give me a few minutes alone!"
Bubby:" I will, but can I please have my IPod back?"
Me: (growing irritated) ....Bubby, I am IN THE BATHROOM, will you GO AWAY and let me take care of business?"
Bubby:" Sorry mom.....(he is still standing RIGHT OUTSIDE the door).............Still standing there....
Me:" GET...AWAY....FROM...THE...BATHROOM!!!!!!
Bubby:" I just want to know if I can have my IPod back?"
Me:" NO!!!!.....( I am done with my business, now I am just in there waiting to see if this kid is going to leave.....he doesn't)

I open the door to Bubby just standing there.....WTF......"Bub, if you do this to me again, I am going to take away more than your Ipod, I deserve to take a freaking crap ALONE!!!, Do you understand??
Bubby:" Since you are out now, can I have my IPod back so I can do my chores?

I just walked away and went into my room and locked myself in there for about an hour. You mothers with the little hands under the doors are so cute!! Just wait, I'm telling you, little hands with little fingers are cute and whatnot, but once they are teenagers and they just stand there bugging you....lost all cuteness there!

Lets not forget about evening shower time, the time when I have two teenagers who battle for who's turn it is to take a shower that evening. We have a rule in the Shepherd house, since there is only ONE bathroom, you must take the time to ask everyone else in the house if they need to use the bathroom before they get in. It never fails...Hunter will ask everyone, no one needs it, as soon as he gets in , Bubby will start knocking on the door telling him to hurry so that he can use the bathroom.....UGH....That leads to a screaming match between two teenage boys. Then when Bubby takes his, Kameo will decide that is a great time for her to have to use the potty (even though she went right before he got in...That leads to a screaming match between a 5 year old girl (which naturally means high pitch screaming) and a teenager who acts like a 5 year old himself......I'm really glad ownership over our throne doesn't involve sword fighting....Kameo would most definitely come out the champion!

The struggle is real!

OK, enough about crappers.............

I wanted to post last night but I was so tired and blah feeling...I can't get lenient on the posting though so if you don't see one in a while, bug me about it....sometimes I just need  a little motivation or something to discuss....see, tonight is a great example, I just wrote an entire blog about bathroom use ( I may be hard up for things to talk about already and its only been a couple of days...geeze)....why do you think that is, that conversations often turn to bodily functions?

Well, I think it is time for me to head to bed!

Peace and Blessings to you all,


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